The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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