I wish my penis had an off switch
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the raccoons are back...
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