like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
