Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
