i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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