Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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