By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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