How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My pussy is not your playground.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
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It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have already put on my inside pants.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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