I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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