the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
