Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
