i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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