My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
