The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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