When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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