I wish I could punch you in the face.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
