I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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