Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He shit in the fireplace
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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