New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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