Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
