The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My bed smells like the plague
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
