I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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