hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
