Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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