My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
