Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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