Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
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I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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