i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
