So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
