you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
