Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize