Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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