Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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