i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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