life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
