you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
