i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
