I just pynch a tree in the face
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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