It's Friday. Sex?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
false alarm, still single
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