Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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