i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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