You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
