Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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