I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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