I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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