I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.