I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
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P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...