I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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