Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
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I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
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Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.