Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
