Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
