her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
