i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
