you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
