When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver just had a heart attack.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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