Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
