I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I stole a fireplace last night.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
