When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize