I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
