i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
