I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Bring me that man meat
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
