Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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